Toni 10.0: The Never-Ending Journey of Finding Yourself
We’re doing the best we can—and we’re still fu*king up. At the same time.
This whole journey of finding yourself? It’s hard work. And I hate to break it to you, but it kinda never ends.
I’ve been on a few versions of myself over the years. It started in college—strict parents, finally some freedom, and the rush of figuring out who I was without their rules. Then came the post-grad crash into reality. Around 30, I entered my first marriage and thought, Okay, I’m grown now. Cue the divorce—another growth spurt. Then came the single, independent chapter... followed by motherhood, remarriage, grad school while raising toddlers and grieving the loss of a parent. And now? I’ve hit 40, and let me tell you—this chapter has been the most eye-opening yet.
I’m probably on Toni 10.0 at this point. Maybe more—my parents could probably count a few “versions” from my high school years too. And the journey isn’t over.
What I’ve learned is this: I know my values. I’m learning to trust my emotions. I’ve gotten better with boundaries. And now? I’m digging into the why of it all. Because I’m a big WHY person. I want to understand where something comes from and what purpose it serves in my life.
So how do we figure out our why?
FOOBs.
That’s short for Family of Origin Behaviors (or Family of Origin Bullsht*, depending on the day).
As a therapist, I help people unpack their FOOBs. I listen to your story—your values, your emotions—and help connect the dots between what you’re feeling in your body and the behaviors you learned growing up. Then? We start laying down new boundaries (yay growth!).
The truth is, we learn how to function in relationships and society by watching our parents. And sometimes, even the most well-meaning ones pass down behaviors that don’t serve us anymore. My parents didn’t talk about emotions, and their relationship wasn’t exactly the healthiest. It was traditional: Dad worked. Mom stayed home. Through that lens, I learned to keep my feelings to myself—and that if my husband was unhappy, it was my job to fix it.
Spoiler alert: That’s nonsense.
My emotions are valid. And when I share them with my husband—and he shares his with me—we’re more connected. I’ve also learned that my worth isn’t tied to whether I can “fix” anyone. I can’t fix him. But I can support him. There’s a difference.
Our parents did the best they could. And yeah, they messed us up a little too. But now it’s our turn—to break the cycle, to choose something different, and to reclaim ourselves in the process.
If you’re curious about your own FOOBs and how they might be showing up in your life, give me a call at 727-201-2984. We’ll start putting the pieces together—so you can write your next version.
